The Low Down | 9.10.17 | 23:17pm
I've been thinking about starting an online diary for while now, I wanted to make it because I tend to seep in and out of depressive episodes. They get really bad for a few months and then suddenly disappear. It's something I can't quite figure out. This is going to be very honest and I'll probably never share it with anyone but if you are reading this, then hi. This is my life, most likely only at the worst of times. So here it goes.
I can feel myself been pulled back into the low again, I just moved home after living at university and then remaining in that city for a few months. Its probably a big part of it, I have absolutely no friends here, my only friend is in Manchester which is a 45 minute train ride away. It's terrifying, I'm isolated. Not that I had many friends back in my university city.
I'm sat in bed under the orange glow of my fairy lights thinking about how my life hasn't been what I wanted it to be at all. I watch films and read books about these beyond special friendships that are unbreakable and last a life time and I realise I've never had that. I can't keep a friend for more than a few years, how unhealthy is that? I just go through people and I either push them away because I find too many flaws in them or they up and leave, probably through the realisation I'm a shit person with a lot of baggage.
And then it hit me, the only time I've ever been truly happy (or at least my version of it, I've long accepted real happiness does not exist) is when I was with him. I don't want to use real names, so I'll call him Jace. When I was with Jace it was like finally someone completely knew me, knew how I thought and loved and cared for me. And I loved him so intensely, he really was the best thing that ever happened to me, I don't think he is aware of that. I've never met anyone like him, he was my best friend, that special one that was meant to last for life. People just don't come close, I try to push away the high levels I hold him on but how am I supposed to do that when everyone else just kind of sucks in comparison. He was so genuine, what you saw was what you get. He was the coolest person I've ever known at the exact same time as being a massive geek, everything he loved I loved. He introduced me to so much and opened up my views of the world onto a whole new level. I'm finally no longer in love with him, but I will never not love him, and I will always be so thankful for my two years with him. They were the only two years I didn't have depressive episodes.
So, back to the now (Jace and I broke up over a year ago just so we are clear that I probably think about him too much still) Not only have I never had the type of friendship I wanted but I've never been the kind of person I wanted, I have all these creative passions and yet all I do is laze about not putting them to use. I could have created so much, been such an artistic person. Now I'm 22 and all I have to show is some photography that anyone could do. I've wasted my life.
But the real killer, the all consumer? Skinny. All I have ever wanted, since I was a little girl is to be as skinny as possible, and yet I just can't stop eating fully. At most I'll last a few months and then I get happy and start eating normally again. I've been a rollercoaster of weights, never achieving the body I've always dreamed of. The closest I ever got to it was when Jace broke up with me, I didn't eat for months out of sadness and pain, it was the best and worst six months of my life. But I need to snap into that again, I'm full of self hatred, I can't get dressed without nearly crying, every time I look at my flesh I want to throw up. So if I'm so full of this antagonising need to be skinny, to see bones protruding from my body, why can't I just commit to not eating? What is it stopping me? I'm going to try really hard starting tomorrow. I will do this, I will get back into this and I will achieve happiness within myself, I'm in a new city meeting new people and I don't want to be everyones new chubby friend.
I can feel myself been pulled back into the low again, I just moved home after living at university and then remaining in that city for a few months. Its probably a big part of it, I have absolutely no friends here, my only friend is in Manchester which is a 45 minute train ride away. It's terrifying, I'm isolated. Not that I had many friends back in my university city.
I'm sat in bed under the orange glow of my fairy lights thinking about how my life hasn't been what I wanted it to be at all. I watch films and read books about these beyond special friendships that are unbreakable and last a life time and I realise I've never had that. I can't keep a friend for more than a few years, how unhealthy is that? I just go through people and I either push them away because I find too many flaws in them or they up and leave, probably through the realisation I'm a shit person with a lot of baggage.
And then it hit me, the only time I've ever been truly happy (or at least my version of it, I've long accepted real happiness does not exist) is when I was with him. I don't want to use real names, so I'll call him Jace. When I was with Jace it was like finally someone completely knew me, knew how I thought and loved and cared for me. And I loved him so intensely, he really was the best thing that ever happened to me, I don't think he is aware of that. I've never met anyone like him, he was my best friend, that special one that was meant to last for life. People just don't come close, I try to push away the high levels I hold him on but how am I supposed to do that when everyone else just kind of sucks in comparison. He was so genuine, what you saw was what you get. He was the coolest person I've ever known at the exact same time as being a massive geek, everything he loved I loved. He introduced me to so much and opened up my views of the world onto a whole new level. I'm finally no longer in love with him, but I will never not love him, and I will always be so thankful for my two years with him. They were the only two years I didn't have depressive episodes.
So, back to the now (Jace and I broke up over a year ago just so we are clear that I probably think about him too much still) Not only have I never had the type of friendship I wanted but I've never been the kind of person I wanted, I have all these creative passions and yet all I do is laze about not putting them to use. I could have created so much, been such an artistic person. Now I'm 22 and all I have to show is some photography that anyone could do. I've wasted my life.
But the real killer, the all consumer? Skinny. All I have ever wanted, since I was a little girl is to be as skinny as possible, and yet I just can't stop eating fully. At most I'll last a few months and then I get happy and start eating normally again. I've been a rollercoaster of weights, never achieving the body I've always dreamed of. The closest I ever got to it was when Jace broke up with me, I didn't eat for months out of sadness and pain, it was the best and worst six months of my life. But I need to snap into that again, I'm full of self hatred, I can't get dressed without nearly crying, every time I look at my flesh I want to throw up. So if I'm so full of this antagonising need to be skinny, to see bones protruding from my body, why can't I just commit to not eating? What is it stopping me? I'm going to try really hard starting tomorrow. I will do this, I will get back into this and I will achieve happiness within myself, I'm in a new city meeting new people and I don't want to be everyones new chubby friend.
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